Lately, people have been doing a good job of crushing my excitement and enthusiasm. It kind of sucks because these past few months have been going so well for me. I've been in an overall better mood (sometimes even a good one!) and have actually had motivation. It allowed me to do some sou-searching, if you will, and figure myself out a bit better. I'm at a point where I'm more confident about who I am than I probably have ever been. And then, people have to go and start ruining it for me. I understand that they mean well; it just gets me down.
It got me thinking about some other things, too. You often hear people thanking friends and family for being so supportive. I feel like I'm missing that. It's not that my parents aren't supportive - they are - it's just the way in which they are is somewhat lacking. They helped me financially through undergrad and are happy regardless of what career path I choose. However, I've never really had a close relationship with them. I can't go talk to them if I have a problem. They would only occasionally show up to my orchestra concerts in high school (my mom more so than my dad). It's things like that. They have no problem telling me how good I am at things or how proud they are, yet it just feels kind of empty.
Nearly all human relationships I've had are similar to this. It's just disheartening at times to have people tell you things and then never do anything to prove that there's any meaning behind it. I've never really had that friend who could tell when I'm having a bad day and ask about it. The closest one is probably my dog. It generally seems like I care more about others than they care about me.
Someone wrote it very nicely once; it's not that I'm lonely but that I feel insignificant. I have plenty of people around me, but I don't feel that important to any of them. There's always someone more important than me. I understand that family will generally come before friends. I understand that someone's spouse is more important. But, I've never even been first on someone's friend list, at least not in a very long time. I've never had that best friend who I could share everything with and depend on to be there for me. There have been a couple people who came close, but it was never all the way.
I'm very comfortable with myself and what I do. I don't need other people to validate me, but at the same time I would really like actual feedback. All I ever hear is "this is great" or "you are smart" or other compliments/criticisms that aren't in the least constructive. It's great to hear people give you praise, but it's not very helpful by itself. If anything, it can be more damaging because it builds up an ego which may or may not actually be deserved. It's not even just the things that I do/make. I'll be the first to admit that my social skills are lacking. But how can I improve without feedback? When you receive an answer of "no, sorry" all of the time, how do you know what it actually means? Are you sorry about saying no? Then why don't you ever say yes or come to me on occasion instead of my always having to ask you. Or, maybe you don't want to hang out with me. In that case, just say so and I'll stop asking and wasting both of our time.
Sometimes, I just wish I were significant to someone and could have that person be significant to me in return. Someone to whom would I could ask honest questions and trust that I'd get honest answers in return. Someone who could provide a deeper level of support rather than just the superficial stuff. I don't really care about having a "real" relationship right now. I'd much rather just have a best friend.
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